I can cut hair but I don’t usually cut my own. Curls are so much harder to cut accurately. But bangs are pretty straightforward. So, when I looked at myself in the mirror, I started to play with my hair to see if I’d like a new look.
I thought about how bangs would make me feel. Would I feel like I looked better? Would I feel refreshed? Would I find a new outlook on my life? I put the scissors up to my hair.
But I didn’t really want bangs. I look awful with bangs. I’ve had them plenty of times before to know that I hate the way they look on me and after day 2 I just want that hair out of my face. But I held the scissors there anyway.
Because, y’all, I just needed to feel like something in my life was exciting.
I’ve been asked a lot how my life is going. How school is going. How work is going.
So, what’s going on with me?
Nothing.
Nothing is happening in my life. And that has me completely and utterly terrified and depressed.
Friends, God has been working at my pride a lot lately.
I have always wanted to be the person who has something interesting going on in her life and I try really hard to keep that up and relish in it when I'm successful. I try to always be going somewhere, or writing something, or starting a new project, or volunteering at a new place, or starting a new journey. I was pretty successful for a while. And that was awesome because then I had something to tell people about. I was interesting! People wanted to hang out with me and talk to me about my life. I had stories to share and people wanted to listen.
But now I am doing nothing. I’m not writing anything, going anywhere, starting any new projects. If you’re waiting for something new from Callie Phelps – don’t be, because there is nothing here. And honestly, that makes me feel pretty worthless.
It has always been hard for me to live in the moment. I always want to move on to the next stage. I’ve always wanted to be a teenager, to drive, to graduate, to go to college, to be married, to be a mom, to be a writer, and so on. But I am not very good at being what I am now. So, this past year, my goal has been to do what God has called me to do right now. To be what God wants me to be right now.
But what happens when I don’t feel like God has anything for me now? What happens when I’m bored and lonely and I don’t feel like God wants to use me?
What should happen and what does happen are two very different things.
And what does happen is usually this:
I take control.
I change my clothes. I change my space. I change my habits. I change my hair.
My pastor laughed at me this morning when he saw me because he says almost every time he sees me my hair has changed.
Well, Pastor Danny, you’re right. My hair is almost always different because I can control my hair.
I can change its color, its cut. I can put it up or back. It’s mine and, when all else fails, when I’m bored out of my mind and feel worthless, at least I can feel good about my hair.
My Aunt Sherri died from cancer in 2012. She was one of my favorite people in the world and I really liked to pretend she wasn’t sick. When she had her first battle with cancer in 2007, the thing that made her sickness real to me was when she lost her hair. You can hide your pain, you can hide your tiredness, you can hide your scars, but you can’t hide a bald head. Scarves and hats may ease the pain but it can’t be hidden. It was the first time I wasn’t able to escape the reality of her cancer.
My hair hides a lot for me, it covers the pain and the tiredness and the scars.
So I stood there with scissors up at my forehead thinking that maybe if I changed my hair I could escape the worthless bored feeling for just another day.
But right before I moved to cut, I looked at myself in the mirror one more time. I saw how stupid the bangs would look on my face and said to myself:
“Cutting your hair will not change your life. It will not fix your writer’s block. It will not give you a new project. It will not increase your creativity. Bangs will not make you worth any more than you are now. Only Jesus can do that.”
And then the scissors went down.
I didn’t feel like I had a great revelation or even feel the need to pray right then and there. Later, though, I prayed. I prayed for a lot of things. Things I won’t share here. But the theme of my prayer was satisfaction. That I would feel satisfied with where God has put me now. That I would know my worth and that he does use me every day.
Because, y’all, even if I’m tired and restless and I feel lonely and worthless, Jesus uses me.
It doesn’t matter how I feel. No one cares about my latest story or my newest project or last trip. They’ve never cared.
God uses me just as much in the slow times of my life as he does in any other point.
So, today I gave my bangs a simple trim – and I guess my heart too, if we’re sticking with the hair/ cutting metaphor. I didn’t try anything new or crazy. I didn’t try to make a big change.
I simply fixed what needed it and didn’t try to jump ahead of myself.
I pray that this year and always I will try with all my might not to jump ahead of myself and God and simply fix what needs fixing and be satisfied.